A Hamper Full Of Crap

Ok so right now I am sitting in my bedroom on my lappy. It's very cold and my baby finger has gone numb. I am actually so incredibly down at the moment. I feel like such loser, I have absoloutely nothing to motivate myself with! I actually think if I carry on the way I am I'll start sinking into some kind of depression. In the words of Damien Rice: "I can't take my mind of you, until I find somebody new" It's weird now. French is a bore, Geography has always been boring and I haven't even been brave enough to face a music lesson. It's like life after a hurricane. Like Bella living as if the whole Twilight Saga hadn't happened and she'd just bought some of the magic matchmaker's vamprollic-D potion and tranformed back into a human, then moved back in with Charlie and went off to Dartmouth university. It's weird. It's empty. I am such a drama queen. I don't think I've truly been myself since I actually uncovered the truth.

Well speaking of drama I've been up under the lights in a bright red pencil skirt spitting at the audience in my school play. It's fun but it's weird. We opened last night and it was alright though apparently it wasn't as good as the previous shows which is fair enough. This Callum boy my friend Amy is setting me up with wrote on my facebook wall a couple of days ago but I've been rushing about so much I only just saw it. I don't know whether to write back or not, I'm a bit of a freak. I feel so left out of everything at the moment and I can never ever manage to make myself look good. I feel uncomfortable going shopping and catching glimpses of myself in the mirrors. I'm going to go on a diet I think, that will probably giveme more energy and it might help my spots a bit as well.

Tomorrow I was meant to be going to Paul's to have a movie marathon but we've had a big fight today and for once I've managed not to retaliate and its just turned out worse, I managed to scratch him with a straw and nearly break his nose apparently. He spent the whole of French turning around and calling me a bitch through evil eyes which drove me mad. He also said I wwas pathetic doing sweeney todd and that was the last straw for me. I threw a french dictionary at him. It was his fault that fucking twat. So I'm not going to his anymore tomorrow, Georgia's meant to be comming to sleep over at mine tomorrow but I feel a bit weird around her like, she finds it all funny and that annoys me a bit though we have this strange relationship and I can't get angry at her really because that would just make things so awkawrd and horrible. I feel so lonely right now, my cat won't even come near me because I gave him an electric shock a second ago.

Oh Gaay.

Ok, so I'm sitting here watching David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston look beeautiful on the telly in my front room, alone, on christmas day. I told you my christmas was going to be crap. My mum's ill and is upstiars in bed. It's soooo gay. I can't even figure out how to use my new ipod. I got a presnt from my aunt today who I'm not talking to and my other aunt and ohhh I feel so fucking incredibly crap. I didn't get them anything and ohh I just have this big mix of guilt and loneliness. I do not know what to do at all. No one's on msn or myspace and I can't just ring up my friends because I don't want to interrupt their amazing days and ohhh, I've already watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect snogging through once with all the bonus features and deleted scenes and P.S, I Love you as well. I'm so bored, my nan and grandad came over earlier and we had lunch and stuff, they all had Turkey but I had this nut roast thing which was nice although it was a bit too sweet so I didn't eat much of it :/ I felt really guilty because my nan and my uncle had made a big fuss about cooking it and everything, all I did was peel the vegetables :S

Well Georgia Nicolson has given me some confidence snog-wise. I'm going to tell SP. I'm actually properly going to do it, and we shall watch star wars together.

Ok well Merry Christmas I'm going to have a browse on iplayer for something decent to watch

Fucking hell.

Ok so I have spent the past two whole years hating my dad's guts for being an alcoholic, and after a large number of maggots, sexy policemen, ambulances, social workers, court cases and an injunction I had not seen my dad for two months, which was fine by me - I didn't want anything to do with him - then yesterday, when Paul came round he decided to knock on the door, all sobered up and clean shaven with new clothes, still with his walking stick looking extremely skinny. He dropped off some christmas presents. I wasn't particularly polite to him either, I greeted him with a marvellous "what the fuck do you think you're doing here?". So I thought my whole family had forgotten about me, my mum has made this so hard for me, I love her to bits but it's so hard not talking to my other side of the family, they haven't been particularly polite to her but like they haven't been nasty to me - I don't hate them, I can't help it but I don't hate them - I don't even think I properly hate my dad. The issue was that I'd just got to a point where I didn't care anymore because I had to go along with what my mum said, otherwise it would have just caused more problems and arguments but omg I just don't know, but I feel so guilty sometimes, espcially to my other family, like just not my aunt put a card through the door and I looked out the window to see who it was, and she smiled at me - and I just closed the curtain on her I feel so bad. And guess what my dad has actually got me for christmas, an ipod touch which costs £165, he could have used that money for rent for a month somewhere cheap, he shouldn't have got me that. He put the reciept in my mum's card and I know he hasn't got me a present for the past two years but it's still too much and I feel so rude and guilty. Tomorrow I think I'm going to write some cards for my family, though I can't tell my mum because that's like betraying her really.

It's times like this that I feel so terrible :/ When it's not christmas everything is fine.
That is why I hate christmas. Not including the annoying covers of legendary christmas songs by RnB arstists, such as Beyoncé - yes she has a gorgeous voice but we already have Mariah Carey pissing us off enough.

The gouvernment has no faith in the country, not everyone is obese and goes out binge drinking or turns to knife crime and fails in school and takes drugs. It's true though isn't it - Everything you see on the news is always so negative, the media are painting such a lousy picture of the british public.

Well who cares, there's nothing I can do about it.

Today I was talking to Paul about sp, I was asking him how I should reply to a comment he left me on myspace, I was freaking out because I didn't want to sound like a bumface. Then he said to me:

Paul says:
say what you want, if you want him to get to know you for who you really are then you've got to say what YOU would say

So yes he is a realist.
I am not a realist, I think I'm going on tour with stereotypical this summer, but I doubt it will actually happen - I bet I'm just bieng too hopeful, I also like to pretend to Patrick Wall that I am with my sp and we do lots of couley things together. I'm so pathetic - do you want to read what I said to him the other day?

Patrick Wall: How's life?

HB: Boring bored bored bored

Patrick Wall: How can it be boring you just got a boyfriend,

HB: He's ill

PATHETICOOOOOOOOOO

Why am I such a loser?

Well town tomorrow with Paulus chrimbo shopping.

Unfortunately I'm not as good at writing blogs as my good friend Ella - therefore you may prefer reading hers.

haaa well i did have this nice little blog about my friend James Creber but then I decided to change it ahaa because it turns out that he's read it! which I'm a tad embarssed about LMAO. So

DARNNNN

I AM STILL ILLLLLLLLLLL POOO ARSE.

Ok so I've been off school illfor the past two days, seems like I'm comming down with what my mum had last week :/ which is gay.

Well I haven't had a very eventful week. I've also decided I no longer like my SP. He is just a selfish slag and I reckon he only acted like he was into me becauses he had fallen out with this girl called marisa who is lovely, but like she was one of his best friends and i guess he was just trying to replace her. Arghhh I was suck a dick.

and one of my best frinds thinks I'm bisexual,
after a numbers of bisexual related questions she said this:

well, if u r and just arent ready to tell me or your embaressed or wteva (u dont have to reply saying your not btw) [sorry my computer just froze] i just want you to know that im not the kind of person that wld go round spreading it and i wouldnt be off with you or anything of the sort. : ). u dont have to feel sorry cos there is nothing wrong with it and if you dont like girls like that then its also fine. im just not a very touchy feely person.

soo yes things aren't looking up for me.

I haven't a clue whether my dad is dead or not, my friend doesn't believe that I'm not bisexual, I have lost all enthusiasm for music, french and geography and my mum has confiscated my ukelele.

DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK.
I'm ill as well

Well tomorrow I think we're going to suffolk which I am dreading, I just hope I do not throw up in the car or somewhere else. I was going to go busking with Paul tomorrow as well but like not anymore. and I wouldn't be able to anyway because he is going to his dads for the weekend anyway.

Well my music myspace has taken off quite a bit, I've had 50 comments since the 5th of november, which is a lot considering I've only got like 30 comments on my personal myspacelol. Ohhhhh I do love myspae, tbh my songs aren't that good you know, I feel like a dick really I can't even write any decent songs.

Well if you do want to check out my dodgy music go to:
www.myspace.com/helenandherinvisibles

ohhhhhhhh scrannny fuck.
I'm off

ok I don't think I've posed a blog for a whole week.

Well here it is, I have had an irregular week.

Well on wednesday we had a choir competition which was like major, yes. We were singing some stupid songs which tbh I thought were all crap, we sung "Like a bridge over troubled water" by Paul Simon which I absoloutely fucking hate. We sung this song called "the father's song" which has a repetitive chorus of "cause you are mine, i am yours, you are in me and i am in you" which I thought was a bit too sexual for school. We also sung a really beautiful song called "teach me O God" which was about God. Yeah there were lots of other school's there from the area including my friend Rosie's school and Queen's were there too and there are these boys in queens called Michael Dennehy and Robert Venning and I knew Michael from my old drama so I went over to talk to him and he was standing with Robert Venning who is omg so incredibly gorgeous. I was like shuished up in his face as well because it was quishy at the bar, he is probably the best looking teenage boy in oxhey - officially as well. Well I was standing there gobsmacked for ages just looking at him Well we didn't win the competition and I am not surprised

I am so fucked off atm tbh :/ I just don't know what I am going to do with my life.

ok that is a lie. I have written two super super long blogs about my week in the past few days, I have got to the end on both occasions when my browser decided to randomly redirect itself. Whichh is sooooooo annoying. Hopefully it won't happen this time

Ok well I have been up to lots and lots of things since I got back from Paris.

1. I went clubbing in area, it was really really fun fun fun fun and I was wearing this black dress my friend picked out earlier that day and my killer shoes which literally killed my feet, I also curled my hair a lot and wore red lipstick to give myself a vamp look for the halloween theme. This time we were aat area it was a lot better than the last time because they had the drum and bass room open which was really good so after grinding about like chavs on a totally packed dancefloor we could retreat to the drum and bass room for something easy on our ears and on our feet because like they had proper seats for us to sit on in there Well at one point when we decided to get our lazy arses off the seats we were dancing when this boy came up to me, he was about the same height as me in my 5in heels and he had dark hair, it was longish and black I think, he was wearing dark blue skinny jeans and a white 3/4 length topman t shirt and he had some kick bum trainers on. Yes well he asked me to dance and we were dancing for a couple of minutes before he asked me for my number, I reckoned we had a bit of chemistry and I think we were both enjoying ourselves so I decided to give him my number. After I gave it to him he said he was just going for a bit and that he'd come and find me in a bit. Unfortunately he didn't come and find me and he hasn't called me either although it's probably for the better because he was a bit scary being 16 and all ahaa lol no I'm only joking he wasn't scary Well area was great and we had a great time regardless of whatever the fuck happened

2. My friend Georgia slept over the night of area and the next day we watched the Lost Boys which is my absoloute favourite fim ever ever ever ever ever Yeah we watched it in the smelly front room on the new sofa it wasn't too bad when we'd lit the scented candles. Well yeah, we also went out on our skates and we went to the park on our skates in the freezing cold, we sat down on the swings and were there for like an hour gossiping about several things, then we went back to my house, took our skates off and went to the corner shop to get chocolate.

3. My friend Peter has started a band with his cousins. As strange as this may sound it is not a bad band, even though their recordings are terrible I reckon that once they get themselves a decent multi-track recorder lots of people will love their mmusic you can see their myspace here: http://www.myspace.com/artificialcreation yeahh I'm going to help produce their music and try and follow my dreams to become a music producer Yes well you have to listen to their music a few times to appreciate it if you don't appreciate it the first time lol Well the band has this strange Fan called Joseph and he is a 53 year old and he's a paedo because god knows why, but I added him on msn and he was asking me for pictures and when I refused he kept asking me to go on webcam, and that is strange having a 53 year old man request web cam for a 14 year old girl! So yeah well my friend Peter doesn't believe that he has a paedo fan so he reckons it's me pretending to be the 53 year old when it is not me, I'm trying to prove that it's not me so yeah well I wrote a song a while back and I was in a random mood so yesterday I decided to change some of the lyrics to say "I'm in love with Jo Jo" instead of "I'm in love with you" just for a laugh with my friend so yeah you can check out the song at www.myspace.com/helenandherinvisibles you can also check out my super silly music video for it at www.youtube.com/sourmelongirl LOL. yeahh.

4. Well for halloween I went out trick or treating with my friend Georgia regardless of our age and we had lots and lots of fun fun fun We got to this one house and this really good looking boy poked his head out of the window to look at us and I said really loudly "woww he's fit" And I think he got all embarassed because he just closed the window and put his head back in. lol. Yeah well we got lots of sweets

And yeah I went into town ysertday with my friends Aimee and Peter because like well yeah
and I also have some updates on the situation with my special friend but I don't want to depress myself by posting them in a blog today so I might just post them another time

LOVE ALL